It ’s been a proficient 20 years or so since the last time someone popped me good and heavy in the face . of course , I was in a streak when it happened .
If I were the adorn type , I might assure you there was a moment just before knuckle met cheek when I had a unfathomed actualization about mankind ’s rude inherent aptitude . Or the delicate dancing between harmony and topsy-turvyness in the universe . But as a responsible journalist , I must cop to the fact that in the split up second it takes for someone to cede a knuckle joint sandwich , you do n’t opine much of anything , except maybe , “ oh no ” or “ mama . ” The whole thing just happens too tight , like a Taylor Swift romanticism or the upgrade and fall ofKen Bone .
That say , I think of precisely what I was thinking in the second before I got popped that last sentence . It was : “ Again , Munchie ? ”
Shutterstock / Alan Sheldon
Though I knew him a long time , I never got Munchie ’s real name . He never cite it , and I never mean to ask . Munchie was one of those Guy from the one-time neck of the woods you instinctively did n’t desire to have it off too much about . What you could n’t assist but know about Munchie , though , was that he was a nasty drunk with a short fusee . A nighttime with him usually play like an episode ofThe Walking Dead . It would commence out pretty slowly , halfway through , everything would go totally bonkers , and at the end , there ’s a unspoiled prospect someone you care about could pop off . Eventually that someone turned out to be Munchie . Did n’t happen in a barroom , though . The way I find out it , he got bolt down during a home invasion . Poor guy rope . Who ’d have thought a 74 - year - one-time woman living alone would keep a loaded shotgun under her bed ? Not Munchie !
The last meter he popped me , we ’d traveled to Queens to see our dear Phillies play the foul , malign Mets . The Phils win . Afterwards , we finish for a few at a taproom near the sports stadium , where a few turned into a whole tidy sum . devious closing metre , Munchie approach a prominent group of unsympathetic - looking New York fans with whom he share his nuanced belief about Dwight Gooden and the ‘ 86 Mets , which is when relations became labored . So strained that in the result brawl , Munchie mistook my face for a fist - rest .
Munchie was a forged drinking pal . And I ’ve had a few . Enough that I ’ve developed a taxonomy . Munchie , for instance was an M-80 . Once he got lit , a braggart plosion was inevitable .
YouTube/TMZ
There are 13 Bad Drinking Buddy Types . Would you like to hear about them ? Too bad .
The M-80
We ’ve already covered this ( do n’t make me go Munchie on you , people ) . But there is something I forgot to cite : Once an M-80 bring forth alight , the finish — theonlygoal — is to get as far away as possible before it detonates . Unfortunately , you ca n’t just manufacture a reason and flee . Most M-80s are also Stage 5 Clingers , see , and that means they ’ll manufacture a grounds to get along with you . At this point you have two options . There ’s the one-time Irish Goodbye , but that ’s a tough move in groups of four or less . Unless you ’re a Murph ( see below ) , you want to use the “ you fly , I corrupt ” dodge , which should really be call , “ I say ‘ you fly , I buy ’ then , while you ’re deal with the bill , I disappear . ” Basically you hand the guy a $ 20 , and while he ’s still angrily wave it at the bartender , you ’re in a cab . It seems abrupt , but have faith that the coming burst will wipe your transgression from the M-80 ’s computer storage entirely . In fact , you ’ll be the hero in the story he ’ll be tell the next Clarence Shepard Day Jr. . Bonus : You might even wake up with all your teeth .
Murph
So - cry for his mastery of the Irish Goodbye . You ’ve heard of the “ thousand - yard stare ” seen on battle - aweary soldiers and child stars ? You ’ll see it steal across Murph ’s mug the right way around the 90 - minute mark of any picnic . Ten minutes later , it ’s “ Did Murph … ? ” Yes . Yes Murph did .
The Influencer
Albert Einstein and Niels Bohrfamously arguedover whether the synodic month subsist if nobody was looking at it . Here ’s a thought experimentation for the “ social ” earned run average : If a dark on the town pass off and no one shares every unintelligent second of it with alien on their Insta - snap - tweet - face , did it really pass off ? For the Influencer , the result is a reverberating “ I ’m live on Facebook mighty now . Say hi ! ” Social medium already smash republic . Do n’t countenance it smash drinking too .
The Muskrat
Like most rodents , the Muskrat is a prolific breeder . And once they get drunk , good hazard getting them to give up talk about their kids . There ’s nothing like scarce lay down it through yet another individual - annihilating week of office plodding without slitting your articulatio radiocarpea , only to drop Friday happy hour listening to some crazed carriage - pusher high on napkin smoke droning on about Caden ’s Mandarin studies instructor and how it ’s so crazy how the twin potty - aim themselves . Probably geniuses . Super cunning ! Bartender , you mind passing me that ruin beer nursing bottle ?
The Mouse
The lovable lightweight who tries to keep up with the chemical group , but ends up drinking too much and picking fights with scary looking buster on the way home . Unlike his tight relation the M-80 , though , the Mouse miss much cast weight , thus requiring his friend to bail him out ( i.e. , take it on the mentum ) .
Mister Fantastic
Once this guy get a couple pops in him , he ’s suddenly obsessed with how deep , big and humble he is . Not unlike a sure Cheeto - colored public figure . Only that guy rope does n’t even drink . permeate me that !
Vince Neil
Balloon Man
The swell cat who magically inflates every bar tab by ordering the most expensive thing on the menu . Then , when the bill make it , he magnanimously says , “ lease ’s just split it . ” Woe betide those who befriend the Balloon Man who ’s also a Murph .
Miles
Miles is , of grade , Curtis Armstrong ’s quality fromRisky Business , who carry a young Tom Cruise to convince his parent ’s home into a house of ill repute with a simple adage about what you sometimes got ta say .
While this is in and of itself not terrible advice , Miles always advertise things too far . And he ’s adept at camouflage terrible melodic theme as simple high jinks . Hey have ’s flirt with those ladies in the VIP section who are speak to the Oakland Raiders . Hey , allow ’s take a tailspin in that pig car idling outside the stripe . Hey , I marvel what that bouncer would do if you devote him a wet willy . But the helping hand - down eeriest matter about Miles is how , when you wake up in that holding cell in Fresno , he ’s nowhere to be found . Consequences just do n’t stay to him , somehow . Which is what arrange him apart from …
“Hey, Watch This!” Guy
This human example in dauntless stupidity used to only appear in division of the commonwealth where second cousin are satisfactory members of the dating pool . Then YouTube express up . dead , emotionally needy dimwits with access to booze and electric cell phones started channel their inner Johnny Knoxvilles and filling out emergency room quota . “ Hey , Watch This ! ” Guy craves attention the way a lush craves whiskey . job is , he ’s also a lush who craves whiskey . Under no circumstances should an inebriated HWTG be allowed anywhere skinny fireworks , small-arm , fire gross sales , firewood , campfire , firing asphyxiator or your prized transcript ofFirefall ’s Greatest Hitson vinyl . Better yet , keep it dewy-eyed , and keep him away from everything relate to either ardour or ‘ 70 delicate careen . Other no - no let in balconies look across swimming pools , wedding terpsichore floors , trampoline , sporting events , boats , zoos , amusement parks and Justin Bieber .
The Dog
The final liaison ( along with Miles and The Mouse ) in the Get You Into a Fistfight Triumvirate . After a duo drinks , this guy wire ca n’t stop himself hitting on anything with a pulse , let in the girlfriends of those biker dudes in the box .
Samuel L. Jackson in a Really Loud Bar
Say “ what ” again , I defy you .
And eventually …
Monkeys
They ’re so cute and full of energy , you ’d think they ’d be the best drinking crony ever . But the truth is , monkeys are pitiless thief that simply ca n’t be trusted around alcohol .
YouTube/הערוץ של cruzfuture
YouTube/JohnDownerProd
