First off , let me just say what a beautiful , beautiful crew of reader . I recognize because I can see you through the screen … kidding ! I ’m kidding . That clobber all live to the FBI first . Then I get it . And I observe it . think me , I watch every minute of arc of it .
And I depend some of you looked at the newspaper headline up there and thought , “ What ? Trump ’s doing a drinking game ? ” Well , guess what , folk . Go forward and drink two scene of Trump Vodka . That ’s proper , we ’ve already begin . But it ’s all right , it ’s all right-hand . That ’s what we need , good ? To get things done ? Now ?
Because let me secern you something , sept , this is n’t just any boozing secret plan , this is the most terrific , most unbelievably terrific drinking game — and I ’ve been enjoin this by a wad of people . It ’s out there . The very best masses in drink game , consider me . And in this secret plan — I hate to break it to you common people — in this biz nonstarter and haters get penalise . Just like significant charwoman and Mexicans and Muslims . Get ‘ em outta here !
Joe Raedle / Getty Images
Sad .
This is n’t just any boozing secret plan , this is the most fantastic , most unbelievably terrific drinking game . And I ’ve been told this by a lot of people . It ’s out there . The very good hoi polloi in drinking games , believe me .
You might also be wonder , “ How am I supposed to do jibe of Trump Vodka when it go abdomen - up in 2011 ? ” Stupid query . Drink ! Here ’s the affair , folks . Despite what the freehanded media tells you , Trump Vodka did not go out of business five years ago . No , Trump Vodka is going strong . Better than ever .
It ’s the bestvodkain the world , OK ? It does so in force . Did you know the Trump & Tonic is the most democratic drunkenness in Russia decent now ? It ’s true . They call it a T&T , only , you know , in Russian . They ca n’t get enough of the hooey . They ’re terrific . I have a enceinte relationship with the Russians . Like the direction I named my daughter Ivanka . It ’s Slovenian or Slovenkian or Slo - I - don’t - know , one of those Russian country .
And I get wind Vladimir Putin drink Trump Vodka every solar day . He ’s got immaculate taste . Really awing . He gave me a very classy mahogany tree comb for my birthday . The . Best . And we ’re gon na be amplify Trump Vodka to Poland , Yugoslavia — some places in Europe too , I think — and the Ukraine … which Putindid notdo , by the way . And he ’s not going to . He ’s not going to do Ukraine , OK , just so you realise . He ’s not going to do it ! you’re able to mark it down . you’re able to put it down . you could take it anywhere you want .
The rules of my drinking game are unsubdivided : Do what I say , and everything will be great . Like it used to be in this rural area before the Kenyan took over . search folks , I ’m gon na give it to you flat . I ’ve created so many drinking games over the days . The unspoilt in the humankind , ok ? Nobody makes better drinking biz than me . I ’ve inebriated tens of 1000 of people under the mesa . And I do n’t even drink ! But people write to me all the time to tell me how great my crapulence games are . Men , woman , children . They all love my drinking games . And the Hispanics and the blacks , too . Look at my African - American over here . Look at him . Are you the sterling ?
The principle of my crapulence game are simple : Do what I say , and everything will be keen .
By the way , sept , and this is just unbelievable , I mean , c’m on , you catch these large-minded nutjobs in the public press going around now saying that I said nipper love my drunkenness game . shaver ? Are you kidding me ? Like I would ever say that . That ’s disgusting . I never said that . And Iwouldnever say it . I wouldneversay it . Look it up ! In fact , I ’ve always say the exact opposite — that children should not drink in . I do n’t salute . I ’m very round-eyed in that respect . Stay in schooltime , kids . The Chinese are coming for your jobs . Which wo n’t even be there when you graduate . America is a disaster !
OK , then , enough with the trumpery already . citizenry in this country want action . Leadership . And I ’m here to give it to ‘ em . Which I ’m smashing at , by the way . So let ’s play the Donald Trump Drinking Game .
ill-timed ! We already started . Drink !
Part One
A justice of Mexican inheritance is overseeing a ridiculous lawsuit against Trump University . As you bang , I ’m sealing the border . I ’m building a wall , OK ? And countenance me narrate you something . The Mexicans are gon na pay for it . So here ’s this judge , and he ’s a individual of a particular inheritance — shall we say , Mexican heritage — and there ’s an inherent conflict of pastime there . He ’s clearly incapable of deliver the verdict I desire because , as a Mexican , he ’s Mexican . True or false ?
If you answered dead on target , congratulations ! You ’re making America great again . Enroll in Trump University today , drain your savingscomplete your stage and receive 10 percent off the cost of the diploma , which has a water line on it that looks just like Cartier and comes compose in genuine imitation mahogany . It ’s really , really classy .
If you answered false , chug a margarita made with limes picked by American citizen and Trump Vodka . Trump Vodka makes the big margarita in the human race , folks . The best barkeeper tell me that all the clip . It ’s terrific . They come up to me all the time .
Jonathan Mann/YouTube
Part Two
Some people , who clearly would n’t know a joke if it bit ‘ em in the stern of their pantsuit , are suggest that I ’ve urge for the character assassination of Crooked Hillary . That ’s ridiculous . I never said any such matter . Look it up ! I said I love the Second Amendment . And I do ! It ’s a grand amendment . Better than the first one , that ’s for certain . No but I love all my Second Amendment people out there . You know who you are . And you know what to do .
So the path this part of the secret plan run is you love the Second Amendment as much as I do and you worry that Crooked Hillary and her bighearted supporters are gon na take away your gunman — which they will , let me tell you — and maybe you track them down and give them a few shots . I ’m not saying you should . I ’m wink now , by the fashion . You ca n’t see it , but I ’m winking . Shots .
OK , penalisation clock time . This part did n’t have any drinking in it , so drink a barb of Trump Vodka . It ’s the best .
Part Three
Everyone knows that when I said Crooked Hillary and her Second Amendment - abolishing , subdued - on - crime supporters ought to be shoot , I have in mind with Trump Vodka . Which taste great in a Manhattan , by the way . Believe me , I know . I own Manhattan .
It ’s distressing , you know that ? They ’re jealous . And why would n’t they be ? They see me with my plane and my Trump Vodka and my Trump Tower and my cornet This and my Trump That . It ’s like I write in my international best - vendor , The Art of the Deal — great rule book by the means — but one of the problems when you become successful is — and I detest to say this , tribe , I hate to say it — losers . covetous Mexican losers . see , if they had any real power they would n’t be trying to cease me . They ’d be doing something constructive themselves . It ’s right there in the Bible , folks .
Oh and drink . Of of course . Come on . Are you not getting the spot here ?
Part Four
All the drinking is likely catch up to you at this point , so you should get some food in your breadbasket . And I really do n’t know what food you ’re prefer unless it ’s a delicious Trump Steak , available exclusively at Sharper Image and QVC . Nothing articulate peachy steak like The Sharper Image .
Now you might be thinking , “ fine , OK , Donald , come on . Trump Steaks run out of business , too . I come across it on Anderson Cooper . ” If you were thinking that , drink two shots of Trump Vodka . Now ! See ? good drinking secret plan of all clock time . It ’s unsubdivided mathematics , kinfolk .
And by they way , Anderson Cooper is a full changeling . consummate bozo . Get him outta here ! But not because he ’s gay . permit me make that exculpated . I have a great relationship with the gays . I do n’t have a nifty relationship with the homosexual marriages . I have n’t even had one homophile marriage , and conceive me , I ’ve had alotof marriages , common people .
@Ziwe/Twitter
No , I have deeply - held traditional values . And the great unwashed are like that . What can I say , I ’m a traditionalist ! That ’s why every 24-hour interval , after I register The Art of the Deal I show the whole Bible . I believe marriage ceremony should be between a man and a adult female . And then another woman . And then a few more women also . It ’s a keen land , folks . And I lie with womanhood . My wife Melania is gon na be a rattling first lady , by the way . She ’s like Jackie Kennedy , is n’t she ? Right ? Only hot ? I acknowledge . And I got ta evidence you , tribe . Jackie Kennedy was pretty hot before she strike 30 .
Hey , you know who sleep together the Trump Drinking Game ? Kim Jong - un . Great guy . I mean , he ’s like a madman , all right ? But you ’ve get to give him credit . How many new guy — he was like 26 or 25 when his father died — take over these tough generals , and all of a sudden … he proceed in , he takes over and he ’s the political boss . It ’s unbelievable . He wiped out the uncle . He wipe out this one , that one . I imply this guy does n’t bring games . Except this one . He loves the Donald Trump Drinking Game . I ’ve got a tidy sum of hoi polloi assure me Kim Jong - un thinks I ’m terrifying .
Part Five
If you have an babe sister — I love babies by the mode — so you ’ve get this big beautiful babe and it ’s young and beautiful and hefty and that ’s what we need , but it ’s yell in a really annoying way like Ted Cruz . You just take some Trump Vodka and fray it on his glue like they used to do in the old days . That ’ll do the trick , believe me . you could get that baby out of here now , please . I retrieve you really believed me when I said I wish having a crying babe in my drunkenness secret plan . That ’s OK . People do n’t translate . That ’s OK . Drink now .
you’re able to get that babe out of here now , please . I suppose you really believed me when I said I liked having a shout baby in my drinking game . That ’s OK . hoi polloi do n’t understand . That ’s OK . wassail now .
Part Six
People , I got ta tell apart you . Political correctness is out of control in this rural area . I ’ve been challenged by so many the great unwashed , and frankly , I do n’t have time for political correctness . And I ’m just being honest here , folks , this country does n’t have time , either .
So now the liberal mass medium is going crazy allege I told people to give vodka to babe . These people are out of their minds . I never said that . front it up ! Why would I say give vodka to baby when I do n’t even drink vodka myself , OK ? I ’m just like a babe . Nobody rubs vodka on my gums either . Bing bing , bong bong bong , bing bing . You know what that is , right ? If so , tope . If not , booze .
Part Seven
On a scale of one to five , how much does this photo pussyfoot you out ?
tope an equivalent number of Mind Erasers made with Trump Vodka .
Part Eight
What can I say , folks ? I ’m a joker . I love to make jest . Everyone knows that . I ’m always cracking mass up . Hey , did you hear the one about the Kenyan president with the Muslim name and his crooked sidekick who founded ISIS ? They bid it … Obama Nation . Get it ? I made that up . Not risky , correct ? That ’s right .
OK , are we done here ? I think we ’re done here . Oh yeah , take another drink . Fun . We ’re having fun , right ?
