Working as a porn shop clerk for four years was a brilliant , outlandish escapade better than any Chuck Palahniuk novel . I determine angelical nan try on aphrodisiacal maid getup in the dressing elbow room ; and newlywed couples traipse dreamily through the aisle in their wedding dress while pick out items for their honeymoon . I live with countless soggy , butt - pocket dollars from truckers ; made friends with porn star , prostitutes , and the occasional police force officeholder ; and heard the sounds of a suburban dad getting serve in the back room .
And I ’ve resisted the impulse to commit fury against too many 18 - year - olds .
During my porn - clerk tenure , I learn a lot about customer service , human sex , and human psychology . porno shop and adult boutique are exchangeable to bank and credit unions : all kinds of people , from all paseo of life , step through the door on a daily ground . I ’ve gained a lot of insights – a mysterious cognition of porn ’s client radical ( just about every human being , at some time or another ) , empathy for the people working in adult shops , and a few rules of the route for the next time you blockade in at a sex toy memory , burlesque shop , or grownup getup anywhere , from sea-coast to coast .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Keep your hands to yourself
Unless the vibe or potion has a “ Try me ” tag on it , see why it ’s wrong to open boxes of unpurchased point . These are sex toys , not wind sleeve ! I ’m sure that most of the general universe does n’t want to be penetrated by something that has been fondled by rafts of lookie - loo shoppers . Stores will sometimes videotape their item shut – not only to prevent theft , but also to admonish unnecessary handling of items . If you are funny about something , ask a sale familiar .
When in doubt, ask
There is nothing ill-timed , in life or in porn store , with asking someone who knows more than you for information . One common pain in the ass for smut clerks is to learn a customer commit inaccurate data out of their ass , in purchase order to yarn-dye their friends .
No , baby oil is not a safe vaginal lubricant ( unless you need a yeast contagion ) . Ben Wa clod are NOT meant to go in your ass ! They ’re for your vagina , because a cervix prevents them from getting lose internally . And anything with Cinnamomum zeylanicum on it should go NOWHERE NEAR your genitalia .
Google is your champion . And so are sex educators Tristan Taormino , Violet Blue , Dan Savage , and Dr. Ruth . I ’m sure that the ER would see fewer patients if hoi polloi actually research whodunit item before using them .
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The customer is always wrong
Regarding client service , porno shops are under no responsibility to accept render item . In 2002 , fictionalSex and the City ’s Samantha hand over her spent Hitachi Wand , complaining , “ This toy dog did n’t make me cum . ” And to this daylight , people IRL are plopping down their crusty contraptions with the same complaint . seem y’ all , everyone deserves an sexual climax . But it ’s up to YOU to get yourself off . Overwhelmingly , porn shops do not accept returns .
To nullify disappointment , many porn shop associates require a ready exam of any battery - mesh miniature for ensure it is fully officiate before it leave the shop . If that is not store insurance policy , shop elsewhere .
Admit when something is for you
If I had a nickel note for every someone who blurted , “ This is n’t for me ! ” or “ This is a talent ! ” when I rang them up , I would have pay off my student debt a long clip ago . Letting the shop assistant know who you ’re in reality shopping for can be helpful if you want some insight or suggestions . So do n’t lie !
I commemorate my anxiety over buying tampons , condoms , and hemorrhoid balm when I was a vernal lady , but gee whiz , the cashiers do n’t give a crap . Just pass on over the money , and have a nice day .
There is no need to be an opinion troll
Adult-shop janitors don’t get paid enough
Any porno shop with preview booths , aka “ arcades , ” allows the option of viewing porn privately and masturbating – or playing with strangers and protagonist . In a polite society , this is a simple conception . However , I ’ll be darned if a guest did n’t take a dumpsite in the trash can at least once a workweek . WHY . WHY . WHY .
Another bang-up fast one that some erotica shop assistant have seen is when preview booth resident leave their mark after exiting by decorating the cubicle walls with come - steamy newspaper publisher towels . This is why we ca n’t have gracious things , ‘ Merica .
Bachelor(ette) party planners are the most annoying people in the entire world
You ’re like , 35 years honest-to-goodness , and yet still tickled by the penis husk , and penis hat , and penis confetti , and penis sucker , and penis necklaces , and penis penis penis and and and please go to Spencer ’s in the mall so you may giggle with the kids ; where you ’ll fit in just fine .
Customers will talk down to you
In the invisible pyramid of occupational hierarchy , porn clerks are often considered to be at the bottom along with firm - food workers , janitors , and those people who encourage protein powder on Instagram .
Except for the last on that list , these worker are necessary in purchase order to provide the mountain with a immediate snack , a sporty bathroom or manual laborer - off booth , or the leverage of a properly serve sex toy . As sexual urge - positive feminist andinternet sense Lux ATLhas said : “ the great unwashed like to jack off with one handwriting and point a finger with the other . ”
No. Children. Allowed.
Why ? I dunno , man , it ’s the law . We could fence the ethics of bringing babies into porn shops , teens into porn shop , fraught teenager into porn shops , but in the US the age of consent is 18 – and I ’m not here to contend you . If , after reading all of this , you still think a minor needs to accompany you on your dildo mission , write your congressperson or something .
Sex shop clerks deserve more credit
If you ’re a erotica shop assistant , I salute you . You ’re a downcast - level soldier , wage war on the ignorance of the mainstream consumer . You ’re a military volunteer pedagog , explaining a hundred clip each week why those blunder pills might increase endangerment of a ticker onset . You ’re a healer , having to listen to the woe of so many unconfident clients . You ’re a security safety gadget , ensure that people are n’t slip those pocket masturbators out of the boxes , AGAIN .
Here ’s to the graveyard displacement and the other - break of the day DVD orders , porn clerk . I thank you for your service .
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