Astrological signs , if one prefer to conceive in them , can divine many things about an mortal ’s life with surprising accuracy . For example , your zodiac can help you key theperfect show to streamor theperfect cocktail to drink . But it can also suggest things you might already know about yourself , such as your established drink habits .
So here ’s a rich prima donna into all the when s , where s , and how muches that govern your sensation sign ’s boozy pursuits , for all you peculiar , drinkable - loving mystic out there . Grab a spyglass , settle in , and fix to be stun by the baron that be .
Aries (March 21st-April 19th)
Aries , you ambitious societal butterfly , moving from reddened wine at dinner party with the dean to frat houseFireball shotsin a bat of an cilium . I ’m not allege you ’re reckless , Ar , just , you know , hungry … literally . You ’re the party ’s lifetime force , an electric king balanced atop his icy kegful can , suspended in mid - air by two loyal , calf - gripping matter . Did somebody say beer pong ? You ’re in . Enjoy the festivities , my fiery friend , but be sure to pop some Advil before you hit the hay – there are more fears to conquer , more tush to beat , more devil in pauperism of advocates , and more tantalum to strike / torture with instigative political opinions tomorrow .
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th)
You know those masses who can casually toss back four or five Scotches ( keen , no meth ) in the meter it take a normal individual to down half a beer – and yet somehow they never seem the little bit wavy ? He ’s over there , just across the dimly fire up hotel streak , hunched forward in a studded leather armchair , nurse his 8th boilermaker and quote some thick - shag book on General Sherman ’s March to the Sea or mid - century architecture advancements while make full heart contact and enunciating with more grace of God and precision than an ESL teacher . Sound intimate , Taurus ? That ’s you , buddy . I applaud you ( and your commendable empty wooden leg ) .
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th)
You ’re as irregular as a late - spring snowstorm , Gem . One week you ’re chilling on the stoop , chugging40slike they ’re go out of style ( for the disc , I ’m reasonably sure they are ) , and the next you ’re verify off liquor whole . Your torso might be a temple , but your mind sees more action than the UFC Octagon , your thoughts and flavor in constant , paradoxical fluxion . But you and I both know there ’s only one therapeutic for your mental angst : more karaoke ( and dancing ) ( and more swallow ) . So order up another fruity , umbrella - go past number , seize the mic , and bust a move , maestro – I think I speak for everyone when I say that your one - man " Boy Is Mine " rendition put Brandy and Monica to pity .
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd)
You sure you do n’t want to amount out tonight , Cancer ? Everyone would really have intercourse to see you . I know it ’s humid as hell outside , but it ’s literally been week since you ’ve come forth from your air - conditioned hovel , where you sit just sipping warm tequila from a haggard jelly jounce , eyes glued toAntiques Roadshowlike it ’s the Second Coming . Look , I get it . If there ’s one thing you value in life , it ’s consolation – and there ’s nothing more comfortable than a conversant deep - seat sofa , an eighth of weed , delivery sushi , and a well - buy in home base Browning automatic rifle . I ’ll just text you later , crabby .
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
You ’re always a few paces forward of the pack , Leo . A trendsetter in a sea of sip sheeple , you were the first of your friends to ditch lite domestics forpalate - bust up IPAs , and you ’re the only someone at the cocktail party who knows precisely how he wants his gin martini ( God consecrate a barkeeper who overdoes the vermouth ) . You ’re glad to cover that you ’ve never messed with boxed swill and you never will . It ’s all vintage Bordeaux for you , buddy .
But test not to overdo it , my willful radiate star topology – after your third glass or so , the prow link and cummerbund fall to the floor and the pulpit comes out , all your instinctive confidence , news , and mania yielding a tier of mansplaining bombastic enough to eclipse the fiercest of gasp - up demagogues . Just remember to pace yourself , Leo – it would completely suck to be 86’d from that fancy newfangled speakeasy before getting a luck to impress your atomic number 27 - proletarian over $ 17Negronis .
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd)
No matter where you do your drinking , Virgo , you ’re calling the shots ( and we ’re not talk Bacardi ) . You may seem reserved at first , but underneath that aplomb , collected outside lie down a strategic mastermind , plotting the evening ’s adventures with effortless finesse and a sharp eye for detail . Who else can be hope to keep the sauvignon blanc at 45 degrees ? You ’re the only one who lie with the ideal temperature for highlighting all those subtle , tropic note your sensitive , learned palate screw so much . And if your bumbling , perpetually unprepared co - workers were in charge , they ’d always be stuck on the sidewalk , Yelping neighborhood glad 60 minutes deals until nightfall . Ultimately , it does n’t matter if you ’ve had two or 20 – you ’re always quick to direct this booze sail straight to Perfection Island .
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd)
Striking a balance between seethe and throw is slippery business , but favourable for you , Libra , you ’re an expert in equilibrium . A sucker for the sensual , you often favour to do your drinking in the daylight , pass up grim dives and hooligan - hearty sports bar to tardily - sip your Aperol Fizz orcrisp roséin a cheery sidewalk cafe .
Your friend and lover ( often one in the same , you fragile , dirty dog ) may grow bedevil with your perpetual indecision – whether it ’s deciding what to fag , when to forget , or where to go . But , trust me when I recite you that they ’ll always , always appreciate your poise – particularly when they ’re in need of a destine driver .
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st)
When it comes to late - Nox imbibing , you ’re a animate being , Scorp , and do n’t you know it . Your key phrase , " I trust , " recount me just about everything I involve to eff to accurately value your drink habits . Once you commit to going big , nothing can suffer in your direction – not an uppity bouncer , not a lethargic , sleepyheaded - eyed barkeeper in suspenders , not even the pounding of a lingering hangover . You know how to charm your path out of ( or into ) any berth , your infectious magnetism and uninhibited passion ( along with several improbable gin and soda pop ) carrying you from oyster hideout to hipster dive to glitzy nightclub with exultant exuberance . Spend a night trail a Scorpio from beer cans to bottle armed service and you ’re guarantee to wake up with a tight case of the delirium tremens ( though , accuracy be told , you ’ll probably be waking up in their bottom ) .
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st)
Let ’s face it , Sagittarius : you ’re no alien to the bottleful . And the only matter you like better than boozing is drinking in the company of interesting , attention - cave in friends . Come to think of it , you are the physical embodiment of a summertime banger – a high - vigour people individual , a crowd - pleaser with the power to transubstantiate any social gathering from square to light at the drop of a musical rhythm . And unlike every realism star ever , you are formally here to make friends . search at you ! You ’re buying round , bumping fist , shooting tequila , chink pint , popping , locking , and dishing out a full year ’s worth of unprompted advice . As long as you could stave in off the impulse to obsess at the first hint of boredom , my notoriously raring little Centaur , you ’ll remain pure political party gold , the motor crude that keeps things grind till the teeny-weeny hours .
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th)
I ’m not say you ’re a teetotalist , Capricorn , but , honestly , you ’re not far from it . Your meticulous planning , unwavering need to see to it your environment , and deeply root moral reach fairly much prohibit wet - brain indulgence of any sort . It must be hard to let easy when you ’re play it so damn close to the chest , which is one grounds you ’d take a glass of bolshie with dinner party over an all - Nox rager any Clarence Shepard Day Jr. of the calendar week , Fridays and Saturdays included . That might read as me calling you tiresome , but the trueness is , your natural aversion to brown out makes you the master of professional vino - and - cheese mixers , your oecumenical maturity , unfaltering composition , and intuitive societal graces cast out a crimson carpet towards Schmooze - Town , USA . There ’s a rationality you often exit us wet - brains in the dust , Cap , and that reason is temperance ( and work ethic , perseverance , ambitiousness , blah , blah , blah ) .
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th)
You ’re a bona fide dreamer , Aquarius . Unpredictable , unorthodox , gift , and open - hearted , as creative as Picasso and as caring as Clara Barton . You ’re a fluorescent hummingbird fluttering amongst the wildflowers , gulping down life ’s most scrumptious nectars . Those nectar admit : pastel - colored cocktails , tangy , flowered , wild ales , añejo tequila , mellisonant bourbon on the rocks , and highballs of gin , all imbibed thoughtfully – you ’re not a shot person – and with great pleasance .
If you had your druthers , you ’d be quaffing these spirits out of doors , perhaps on some grassy hammock , robe in a silk batik and surrounded by express joy friends , a place where you could just loose and soak up the new , cool gentle wind in a post - Bikram res publica of bliss . cheerfulness ( and namaste ) .
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th)
Oh , Pisces , the zodiac ’s most misunderstood sign . You might come off as naif , flaky even , but deep down you ’re an sea of stark naked emotion and great brainwave , an old somebody with a penchant for all things nautical . You ’re a night owl , drawn to the sky ’s starry mysticism and entice by its vague romanticism . I see you deckside , soothing your worn heartstrings with a rich , soulful mezcal on an anchored racing yacht , staring up into the cosmos , jollify in its wonder . Just be measured not to lose your footing in pursuit of another refill , my sweet-smelling , eternally clumsy Lebistes reticulatus – those calm , sour waters may tempt you , but your good drinking buddies stay on dry land .
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Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
