I have terrible news .
In the last year , I assemble the man of my dreams , moved in with said lover , and then promptly gained EXACTLY 16 POUNDS . Sixteen ! Do you love how much that is ? It ’s like corrode 64 Jr. McDonald’sQuarter Pounder beef pattiesand then , like , NOT digest them and just having them sit in your abdomen forever . imagine about that .
Finally I have someone who sees me defenseless on occasion , and I ’m flap around like a halfway - inflated red-hot - air balloon on the blistering desert ground .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
You may ask what could have guide me down such a greasy , Hot sac - filled route ? Well get out your iPhone notepad and mind up , ace of the population – it ’s squall being inlove .
Love handles and all
Here ’s the affair no one say you about being in love life : you get really , really comfortable . It ’s like , 10 % firework and that esthesis of jumping off a cliff but you wish it ( ? ! ? ! ) and 90 % feeling super , deep , deeply prosperous in your own skin and sweat pants . The drive to make an crusade shrink almost wholly , and abruptly the idea of never putting on mascara again is n’t so crazy .
If you palpate the " literal deal " is coming , take a good looking at your beautifully lined lips mightily now and osculate them good-by – because they ’re about to be replaced with a flange of Cheetos dust and whatever hygiene drama make out with divvy up a soup-strainer .
When you ’re in love , you have a partner in crime to order Taiwanese food with after binge - drinking cheap vino all evening . You get someone who ( through the power of love and passion ) shares your same nap schedule . You have someone who splits Uber fare with you every meter , totally eliminating the calories you used to combust on your regular commute . You have someone who loves , and I mean LOVES , garlic nan . Have you ever had garlic naan ? It ’s fucking delightful and goes with everything .
I mean , have you ever tried impart the strong comfort of your bed on a glacial winter day to go on a run , when a beautiful , sweetened soul is liberal - spoon you and beg you to murder the snooze button ? What are you going to do , say no ? Are you a consecutive killer ! ? NO . YOU’RE NOT . YOU’RE GOING TO HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON .
you’re able to go on a run when you ’re dead . That ’s the saying , right ?
Snoozeville, population: two
The other affair no one tell you about being in love ( but that fortune of flick evoke ) is thatyou become very boring to be around . You might suppose your societal roach is decease to double up in size now that you ’re sharing a life story with another individual – but what will actually happen is you ’ll come to realize both of your groups of friends kind of suck and that you ’re better off just staying in to watchBlackfishtogether on a Saturday eventide .
In fact , that ’s likely why you found each other in the first place : because you two were the shiny , effervesce diamonds in cliché societal circles full of boring hoar pebbles and were destined forearly bedtimesand matching hoodies . Everyone else is bind partying until the wee hours of the dayspring , " living it up . " Sucks to be them !
Here are some conversation starters I ’ve find to be big collision when I ’m drive to interact with other hoi polloi :
" Soooo how about those Kardashian kid , eh?““Contrary to pop feeling , Chips Ahoy ! are just as delectable as Oreos . ““Do I front like I ’ve gained system of weights to you?““Have you guy rope seenBlackfish ? "
Happily ever slightly chubbier
So now you ’re sitting there , believably on your stationary bike , reading this , think , " Geez , if I had someone who bed me this much I would verify I look great for them and stay sassy . "
Yeah , well , youwouldthink that , you lucre - crunch son of a bitch . But guess what you ’re actually go to do when the big " L " Holy Writ smacks you decent in your contoured face ?
You ’re going to tear - watchHouse of Cardswith your substantial other until you bozo can agree on whether you like Robin Wright ’s haircut or not . You ’ll probably decide you do n’t , because she ’s a thin , sensual , talented warrior and she just ca n’t have everything , you know what I mean ? ! ROBIN WRIGHT CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING .
If love makes me bigger, I’ll take the weight
… Look .
Do n’t get me amiss , being in love has its perks . Sometimes you get to finger strong and like maybe living is n’t just one big random ride on a rock ‘n’ roll floating through outer distance .
Sometimes you get to palpate like there is something bigger and magical outside of yourself protecting all living creatures and looking out for the greater good of society . Sometimes you think , " Hey , maybe I ’ll be a gravid mom one Clarence Shepard Day Jr. . " And all of those thing are kind of nice when compare to a lonely liveliness of desperation and dubiousness .
But most of being in dear – and I meanmostof it – is going to be sleeping and feeding and drinking and television observation . If you ca n’t buckle up for the uncivilised journey and gaining a few Lebanese pound while you ’re at it , then maybe you ’re just not ready yet .
signalise up herefor our daily Thrillist electronic mail , and get your mess of the best in solid food / drink / fun .
