About six months ago , on a comparatively average daylight in New York , it strike me that I ’d forgotten about something I ’ve always wanted . And it was a bighearted matter . Not just those really fancy Le Labo candles on Elizabeth Street that I often consider splurge on , but do n’t .
It was a certain living I had figure for myself up until I move to New York , and live on there made me completely forget that I still want it .
New York ultimately became my therapist … with anextremelyhigh hourly charge per unit .
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Let me rewind . More than four years ago , I leave Miamifor New York because I want a new hardening of challenges for myself . And also because I had never feel a enceinte pull towards anything in my entire life – all I knew was I had to go .
Like many people , being immersed in the New York energy , which the city let go like its own strain of oxygen , was something I had long wanted . The city force you to put yourself first , to push yourself , and to see how far you could be load – and that ’s on the dot what I ask . It had n’t been just about me like that before , not really . My 20s were principally synonymous with loss . I lose my mom when I was 21 . And years afterward , I lost the somebody I used ( credibly below the belt ) as an emotional crutch for her deprivation . My spirit was about dealing with those two people ; they issue forth first – even if one of them was no longer active .
In other words , New York ultimately became my therapist . And it was a really good one … albeit with anextremelyhigh hourly charge per unit .
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It took me just shy of half a decade to get incisively what I needed . I “ did me . ” I became a writer , dated like half-baked after moderately much never doing it before , embraced the culture and the nightlife ( read : drank a lot ) , and regained that momentary impression of being , at least on some story , invincible . I was constantly stimulated , learning more about myself than I ever think possible – all while being skirt by some of the best people I ’d ever meet . I even once had a rat kicked on my foot during a former - Nox run to Lombardi ’s . Seriously . The urban center figuratively and literally brand me .
And then like any successful therapy session , I inevitably had my breakthrough .
The best way of life for me to describe it is that living in New York felt like I had been dally a really amazing game of H - O - universal gas constant - S - E. For those who never played this mature up , it ’s a basketball biz that need prove to out - magic trick - shot the other players . When you miss , you get a letter ; first one to spell out out HORSE lose . It ’s tight - paced , full of non - stop entertainment , a bit mischievous , and designed for you to center on nothing else but out - maneuvering your opponent . Like go in New York , it ’s such an fabulously near time that I could keep playing longer and longer – maybe even incessantly .
I finally realized that my life in NYC had become just that – a game , but one without any real oddment in slew . And my priorities had shifted ; what I actually wanted was for my life to be about more than just myself . " material life " started to mean a greater sentience of permanence – no more setting up for the next job , the next apartment … the next affair deemed " unspoilt " than the last .
When walk through Gramercy Park with one of my ally ( a native New Yorker ) one day , I told her this much . Her reception : “ No one comes here for that , Liz . ”
And there it was . The truth only became all the more well-defined : after long time of bosom the game , I wanted to cease it . I was finally quick to implant my roots and turn something else aside from just myself and career ( and , subsequently , my credit entry identity card bill ) .
Staying in New York meant pretend the future tense I really wanted was no longer a antecedence .
I moved to New York because I want that feeling of independence and selfishness storm upon me . last in New York induce you ferociously self - sufficient , like you do n’t really want anyone else . And you sort of do n’t . It ’s very easygoing to forget that relying on others is not always the worst thing , and there ’s a lot more to life history than just judge to build yourself up all on your own .
I know this , because I forgot . I realize it when I start to call into question if I still want those same thing I fantasized about having as a child . ( Yes , that may even postulate the cliché white - picket - fence scenario . ) And that realisation scared the shit out of me . Because I knew deep down , I did .
No , this does n’t mean you ca n’t reach some illusion of that in New York . multitude do it all the time ! But , at least for me , remain to survive in New York meant pretending the future I really wanted was no longer a antecedence .
New York City healed me . People move there to change their life story , and it ’s true that something will always rock out from your time spent living there . That ’s exactly what happened ; I was lastly ready to regress home . Or at least give it a try for the sake of family , yard , beach BBQs , and maybe even joining a lawn tennis conference .
I did n’t want to leave New York . Did it assist that every time I told someone I was moving from New York to Tampa they ’d just stare at me blankly ? No , but who am I to pronounce . I ’d been making excuses ranging from “ I ’ll be bored ” to “ I hate Junior League ” for not return to my hometown since graduating high shoal . The true statement is , after my mom died , I never thought I could ever be really happy there again . And I ’d been running aside from it ever since .
Now , for belike the first clip in my entire life , I ’m not just run towards an chance decently in front of me , or stay in something that has long since impinge on its expiration appointment . I ’m not reach for something I may inevitably even want right now . I made a decision based on the big moving picture , not the quick future . And that ’s why I leave New York .
It ’s an completely unlike decision to leave something you really have a go at it and finger thankful towards it . I have no idea if Tampa is my finish argumentation – but I know it ’s the close I ’ve felt to it .
Days go up to my divergence from New York , I noticed a huge displacement in my behavior . I did n’t pedal point as tight as I possibly could on my Citi Bike to make the light on West Broadway and Houston , since missing it intend you have to expect atleastfive minutes . When the subway arrived decent as I descend the step , and I missed it because I had deficient menu on my MetroCard , I did n’t become irate . I simply hold off in almost an eerie calm for the next one to get in . Because I know it was coming .
For once , I was n’t in a rush . I want to bask every single second of being in New York , a metropolis that had become one of my true loves ; I require time to tolerate still just for a hour .
Did it take me leave the metropolis to last feel calm in it ? Maybe . And perhaps that says it all .
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