One of the perks of working for a solid food website is that my confrere and I are often treated to free lunch , good manners of nearby restaurants looking to get a name out there . Free food for thought is excellent at all clock time – heck , I ’d be stoke about a stupid easy pretzel if it was free – but this is usually some top - notch stuff . One day it ’s a tray of sausage balloon schnitzel , the next it ’s a pile of nuggets with 12 different sauces , and after that it ’s pizza pie clear with those piffling pepperoni that have the crispy - curly edges .
late , everyone was all jazzed up when a local workshop sent the agency catering trays full of bracing grilled cheeses . I watched as 40 of my beautiful colleagues stuffed their goggle cakehole with sandwiches , smiling through tittle-tattle bite and wiping greasy fingers on the plaid rolled - sleeve button - ups that they weirdly all wear for some reason .
How well-chosen they looked , blissfully chewing aside at a sandwich that was , for many , the perfect childhood comfort food , here rolled out to them on a silver platter ( erm , chafing dish ) as if their latchkey memories had started a coxa unexampled eating house . But I was miserable because the filling betwixt the bread was American high mallow . And I fucking hate American cheeseflower .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
I do n’t understand its appeal , or the appeal of its various subsets for that topic . The quesos , the ballpark nachos , the Cheez Whiz – none of it interest me the way it does others . Even when I was a child I was n’t into this Gak , which may explain my present aversion . Perhaps the appeal is in the memories the mouthfeel conjures . I asked two colleague why they like American cheese , and they confirmed my suspicions : " cue me of grilled cheese my mom used to make , " said one . " I remember Fourth of Julys growing up , eating beefburger that were fundamentally charcoal , with a slice of American and a net ton of ketchup on a white potato roll , " say another .
I have no such nostalgia for this , though . The only thing matter I can recall about the influence of the dairy farm product on my puerility are thoselittle pretzel ( or bad , breadstick ) snack packs , with the little ruddy stick , that Eric Clark would feed . You know Eric . The nipper in your third - grade class who always had a snoot moustache and Oreo crumbs in the corner of his mouth ? Everyone had an Eric . Heck , maybe you were the Eric ! I shudder just think about you feel that cheese dip , Eric .
What ’s to like about it as an adult ? Is it the tasting ? Do you like the sense of taste , Eric ? Surely , any normally rise palate can not think this stuff tastes good . The grain is gluey and the flavour is wilted . It smell out … sweaty . It feel sweaty . Honestly , it kind of looks sweaty . And yeah , it sample sweaty , duh .
Drew Swantak/Thrillist
But I ’m not just offend by the discernment and the sticky , floppy grain . It ’s not even real cheese ! Everyone should love this already , but it bears repeating : American Malva sylvestris is not even material Malva sylvestris . And imitation stuff makes masses fat . seem , I even sit on my living - room story with a paring knife and a tripod for three hours to make this stop - motion video about it for a college design class six years ago :
The story is as erstwhile as time : man and woman fall in love , dude eats way too many Kraft Singles , permit himself go , and the lady bail bond . Sad . Why should anyone bother with false and fat pasteurised Prepared Cheese Product when there are so many righteous alternatives that are detached of emulsifiers and saturated veg oil color ?
I ofttimes walk 15 minutes out of my way to the bougie - as - fuq cobalt - op in my neighbourhood to purchase a brick of veridical Gallic semi - delicate Comte or an aged Gouda cheese . But I also love cheaper cheeses of objectively lower quality . I ’m not a cheese purist , this is simply about occasion . And there ’s never an occasion for American .
Carrie Dennis/Thrillist
There is , however , a special time for every other sort of cheese , even the chintzy ones : string Malva sylvestris is a dope bite , Fine Cut Shredded 4 Cheese Mexican is the only thing that suits Ortega wetback , and the cheddar that sits on the shelf next to the butter in the grocery store store is exquisite on Triscuits . But when a waiter take me if I require cheddar , blue , Swiss , or American atop my hamburger , I wo n’t even consider the latter .
" You ca n’t beat the melt and gooey coverage that fall down the burger and even pools on the denture , " CEO Rick Tasman , the owner of Atlanta’sFlip Burger Boutique , has beenquoted . Cheese " pools " go mad gross , to be honest . What ’s wrong with Havarti ? Or Swiss , or provolone ? They might not render down into liquid like American , but they cancement two pieces of goner together just fine .
At the bar , sometimes I just do n’t feel like drinking for various reasons . I sip a carbonated water disguised as a vodka washing soda to avoid the incredulous " Why are n’t you drink ? " query , but inevitably an effervescent friend offer me and the rest of the group shots , and my fraudulence is expose . I ’ll have to reluctantly explain why I just do n’t want to partake , ashamedly cognizant of my inability to engage with the minute , to take part in an experience that everyone else love . This is how not like American cheese feel . But like , all the time , and not just when I do n’t want to rend a shot of cinnamon - flavored , whiskey - based liqueur .
I like I could ’ve share that free grilled cheese dejeuner with my co - workers that day . They ’re lovely hoi polloi , mostly ! But as those lunks munch , I sat an Ishmael , in a prison of my preference . So go on and enjoy yourfried queso stick , yourapple pie grilled cheeses , yourPhilly cheesesteak donuts . I ’ll be over here , hiding pills for my pawl in mild - flavored , semi - soft process cheese . And that ’s about it .
Sign up herefor our day-after-day Thrillist email , and get your fix of the good in food / crapulence / playfulness .
Drew Swantak/Thrillist
