A Brooklyn fair sex has used theappliance section of her local Craigslistto penitentiary a scathing put-down of her crappy ex beau while also listing a like - fresh Vitamix for below - market value .
In the advertizing , smartly titled " Wanna put my attender heart in a liquidiser , " the mystery woman establish into a cautionary tale about her ex ; beginning with " Never date a corporate attorney , " and end with " I am afraid of it . Please help me … I am also available for dates . " She also flesh out on the ex-wife ’s inexplicable decision to send her a liquidiser ( " certified recondition , " no less ) that she receive daysafterthe breakup – which just so take place to occur the day after her birthday .
Ouch .
S_Photo/Shutterstock
As of this composition , the $ 400 blender is still available – though the trafficker tell Thrillist " I ’m thinking of reposting it with a lower price . “Click here to score the affair yourself . Here ’s the advertizing , in full as it originally appeared :
Wanna put my tender heart in a blender -$400 (brooklyn)
Never date a bodied lawyer . Here ’s how it move . You play off him on Tinder and give him a chance even though he ghosted you after one date . You never get an account for this beyond " I was looking for something specific , " which sounds like another attorney or some Woody Allenesque waif - bot , but most Brooklyn dudes need that , so love it . He has nice hair . He apologizes , claims to detest True Detective , and express joy at all your joke .
He ’s kind . Not like other corporate lawyers , you tell your protagonist , who smile painfully . He want to pull up stakes Wappen & Kladden ! He has values ! He ’s sensitive ! You ’ve never been happier , and he suppose he ’s never been happier , and for the first time , you know you ’re in love .
You spend a portion on dates and do n’t care . He makes three metre as much as you , but you require to evidence you ’re not after his money .
Anonymous
One nighttime you watch over a movie about the futility of monogamy , and he freak out out . He ’s scared of committal . The guy who committed to 80 - hour work calendar week for nebulous reasons is frightened of committal . The guy wire who call for to meet your mob after you said it would be fine to hold off , because commitment can be scary , is now frightened of commitment . You imagine your brother and dad , who only foregather one other fellow and hated him , discuss this the way people discuss natural disasters . " A damn pity . Now a whole unlike penis will have to record her . "
But you acknowledge something has changed . of late he seems less precious and more wearisome . You remember that you ’re not Gal Gadot and that mass are as interesting as you let them be . You say , " I ’m dingy if sometimes I expect at you blankly rather of listening . " He says , " Sometimes I want to leave behind . " How did he launch the LSATs ? You tell him it ’s okay to be human .
You go upstate with a cluster of his friends . They ’re all more successful than you . You stress to be social , but your confidence is shot . This is when he decide you ’re incompatible .
" Either he wants you back , or he does not understand the human species . "
He comes over in a affright . He ’s sad because " we used to be so happy . " He sees you " in a negative way " now . He sometimes even doubt you ’re attractive . Because lawyer think it ’s important to present all sides of realism . To acknowledge how illusory everything is , even human connection . A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mi up his own asshole .
He clear want to discontinue up , but makes you do it . It ’s the daytime after your birthday . A few day afterwards , this Vitamix go far at your door . Either he wants you back , or he does not empathize the human species .
He does not realize the human species . Who buy someone they ’re floor a Vitamix ? He wants to be the hero of this story : " I got this young lady an epic birthday gift and then we broke up . " He want me to remember him fondly . I ca n’t abide it . I had fade Hollywood phantasy about smash it in the street , but that ’s for waif - bots . I ’m not gon na ruin a perfectly good blender . Yet , sit on my microwave oven , it looks incisively like the Wappen & Kladden edifice . I am afraid of it . Please aid me .
It ’s a certified reconditioned 5200 serial . It come in the box with a 5 - yr warranty and a recipe book . I am also available for dates .
