Birth : it ’s the first step in a long , ho-hum march toward death . And while we hope thing like malignant neoplastic disease and heart disease get in credit line ( a long , long line ) behind a unbendable current of colds , flus , and hangnails , there ’s inevitably one health concern or another just wait to rear its wretched head and send you on a hypochondria - hasten Google search of minor symptoms that WebMD inevitably make you think are the start of the living dead Book of Revelation .
And while yes , there ’s always something to be worried about ( sometimes very disturbed about ) , you’re able to narrow down your worries based on age .
0-3 months: Total helplessness
You ’re reliant on your parent for literallyeverything . You ca n’t eat , undulate over , or get clear without the serve custody of a caring adult . What if they bury about you ? What if you get a diaper blizzard or cough and no one notices ? There ’s nothing more terrific than having zero control over anything in your life .
But hey , you ’ve catch your lungs . Put ‘em to use and make the big humans yield attention . I ’m sure they ’ll hump that .
1-2 years: Putting anything in your mouth
Choking , undiagnosed food for thought allergies , an unfitness to read poison labels . Pretty much everything you transfer from your dingy little manus to your oral fissure has the ability to spontaneously kill you .
3-5 years: General mobility
walk is commonly considered a salutary affair – an important aliveness skill , even . But take the air , track , jump , and taking off down the street on a trike are actually disastrous health - wise for most people under 5 . The inevitable swelling and scraping are one affair , but mobility geminate with a encephalon that ca n’t assess risk ? That leads to situation like 3 - year - olds walk across highways and 4 - class - olds sneaking into swim pools . I say put your child on a leash and attach him to your coxa .
flying public service declaration : unhinge parents , toddlers and swim pools do n’t mix . This is no laugh subject . Just do n’t put your kid on a deuce-ace , people !
6-8 years: Your friends’ food allergies
Because nothing kills your birthday company like a gluten- , egg- , dairy- , and nut - liberal birthday patty .
And just so people do n’t freak out – no one ’s indicate your child ’s allergic reaction is n’t serious or worth making accommodations for .
10-12 years: A newfound control over mobility, combined with fearlessness
Have you ever seen a 10 - year - old play sport , liaison or not ? That tike will fly around with reckless abandon , putting every snow leopard of youthful energy into bodily process not yet taint with any sense of danger . That ’s a scary combo .
13 years: All the hormones
Just when you thought you were conform to middle schoolhouse – BAM ! – you get hit with zits , period , scream jags , bout of unexplained fury , and unluckily time boners while watching Discovery Channel nature films in science class .
total to that the ever - perpetual worry about who likes whom and PE course of study where you ’re forced to change ( and possibly shower down ! ) in front of other students , all while marvel whether you ’re developing at a " normal " charge per unit . It ’s really a curiosity most of us make it out alive .
16 years: Mono
Sure , the " kissing disease " sounds like something most high schoolers would wear like a badge of pureness , but if it knock you out of schooling for week or calendar month on end , you might as well kiss your social life cheerio . I mean , will any of your friends even know you ’re miss ? Or manage ?
17 years: Pregnancy
You ’re probably let gender , and if you ’re not , you probablywantto be having sex . What you do n’t require is nine months of uprise a baby and a life-time of alimentation , dressing , and train tell babe . specially if you ’re still trying to produce , provender , dress , and civilise yourself .
Guys , this applies to you , too . Wrap up , every single fourth dimension .
18 years: Feeding yourself
21 years: Antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea
Because nothing says " I love you " like a discharging , burning genital infection that just wo n’t go away .
24 years: Booze and drugs
If you ’re still in school at 24 , you ’re either a learner search multiple degrees , or you ’ve been a little too generous with the partying . perchance both . experience a good fourth dimension on a Thursday night ? Completely normal . Buying a 12 - camp every day so you ’ll never run out of beer ? It ’s time to reassess .
28-40 years: Childbirth
Holy fuck , you ’re about to bosom a watermelon out your body . How is that not terrifying ? No wonder demise during childbirth used to be so uncouth .
Also , parenthood . Now you ’re responsible for for go on a helpless man being live . Who made these rules ? I care you just fate .
30 years: The flu
Who the eff has sentence for the flu ? for sure not someone with a job , two kids , and who really ca n’t afford to drop two week of work – especially if it signify lose more work when your Thomas Kid catch the virus , too . If an illness is survive to knock you on your ass , it advantageously be something more serious than the influenza .
33 years: Hypochondria
Because you know that ache must be an undiagnosed autoimmune disease ( they often pop up in your 30 … the cyberspace says so ! ) , and was that seawall there before ? Did it vary colors ? And now that you ’re thinking about it , you ca n’t move as well as you used to , perhaps you should talk to your doctor about arthritis .
Sure , your actual risk for rise a serious disease is still down , but you could be the cautionary narration – it ’s good to be safe than sorry , right ?
35 years: Hair and vision loss
Some of the first tell - tale signs that you ’re getting former . push the honorable fight with Rogaine , large - print books , and denial while you still can .
40 years: An extra 20lb
If you gain an norm of 1 pound a year after high school , now ’s the clock time you expect in the mirror and say , " Where the underworld did these 20 pound come from ? " The answer is : a desk job , stress , fast and processed foods , an unused gym rank , and in all likelihood 20 or 30 other contributing factors .
The weight gain alone may or may not be something you ’re worried about ( hey , who does n’t like a little extra cushion for the pushin ' ? ) , but that 20 lb could signify other wellness problems . Hit the doctor ’s office stat for blood workplace and blood pressure reading . It ’s better to lead major problem off now than wait another 20 years ( and 20 lb ) .
Over 40: Death
raider alert ! It ’s only a matter of time .
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Laura Williamsis an physical exercise physiologist and fitness writer who ’s only 33 , but is always one awkward campaign away from a back cramp . She ’s also fully in denial about vision passing . Share your own wellness headache on Twitter:@girlsgonesporty .
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